Warning – this one may be a bit much

Psalm 139:23Psalm 139:23
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

Search me, O God, and know my heart;Try me, and know my anxieties;

– search me…is like saying Lord…go inside and help me really say everything thats on my heart. look into my heart and see whats there. very brave :-)…but then it says try me, and know my anxieties. that part is the crux for me…its asking God to test our love for Him so He can pinpoint the problem. Not the “problems” of life. No the problem “between us”. Us and Him. Things affecting the sweetness of our relationship. Examine it. Test it. Figure it out Lord. Test my love for you. Stretch it. Bang on it. Lean on it. Look at it. Check it out. Try me….imagine saying that to someone you love?! Try me out. Test me. Look deep inside and see whats holding me back from full commitment. See whats bothering me.

Why? So I can below.

Psalm 62:8Psalm 62:8
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

Trust in Him at all times, you people;Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.  Selah

Doesn’t anyone want that fairytale love with God anymore? That love for God that’s just rooted, grounded unshaken! Why is it we dream of fairytale romantic love where we know that sometimes things’ll be tough but most of the time it’ll be paradise. It’ll the stuff they write about. It’ll steadfast. Strong. Passionate. Deep. You know…sometimes I wonder whether or not I really want to experience the best love possible from people rather than God. I dont think enough about how much I want to love God sweetly. Yet to think of love in a womans arms is consuming passion. Have I misdirected my heart?

Psalm 69:32Psalm 69:32
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

The humble shall see this and be glad;And you who seek God, your hearts shall live.

See I’m just being honest. I’m just being real. I’m just admitting to God that sometimes my focus or my longing, my deep-insidemygut-roaring-screaming-weeping-strengthening love is normally horizontal. Alot of the times. I’m serious. There are times when i serve or speak or preach or write and i recognise in me i’m in a spiritual place. A heavenly place. That my spirit is hovering just before the courts of God. And a spirit of worship comes over me thats so out of this world…it reminds me that it is God that I truly love.

Jeremiah 15:16Jeremiah 15:16
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

Your words were found, and I ate them, And Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart; For I am called by Your name, O LORD God of hosts.

BUT….BUT…..most of the time, the best things in my life seem to be horizontal. Or the focus of my life is horizontal. So I’m just being honest. I’m just being humble. I know some of you will be surprised. But I’m saying I need more God. More Jesus. MORE I’m NOT satisfied with where I am in my relationship with God. I’m tired of just being the usual crazy me. I want to be so intertwined with God’s heart like Enoch that me being down here is distraction to God’s quality time. That it interfere’s with God’s special communion with me and He’d have to sent a fiery chariot down to get me so the two of us can chill without being interrupted. I’m just being honest that I know there is more and life and its struggles take over most of my mindspace and my heartspace.

I want to live.

Really live. So that I too can experience where….

Psalm 73:26Psalm 73:26
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

My flesh and my heart fail;But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I want to be the kind of person the kind of worshipper. The kind of Godchaser that gets to the place like David where my body even gets AFFECTED because of how much I need God. I want to be so taken so subdued so overwhelmed so crazy about over and for Jesus that it actually physically starts to show in my body and soul. I want to be like David…where…

Psalm 84:2Psalm 84:2
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

My soul longs, yes, even faintsFor the courts of the LORD; My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

Because if I can be this way. I FAINT and LONG for God…then…

Psalm 57:7Psalm 57:7
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast;I will sing and give praise.

When I reach that point. WHich is soon. That point…I will be given a Spirit like Paul.

Philippians 1:20-25Philippians 1:20-25
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin
(New International Version)

20I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith,

Where I want to go and be with my Jesus. “my” Jesus. Do hear the possessiveness of that phrase. Is He your Jesus. Your husband. Yours. Yours. Do you and Him have something so special that no one else can understand. No gets you. Do you have that? Imagine being torn between being with Jesus or compassion over people’s souls. Do you get where I’m coming from. Do you have that with your Lord? Is He Lord really. Does He rule over your desires? Rule over your heart. Rule over your affection. Does He drown you :-).

I know I cant do it on my own. I pray God decides quickly that…

Ezekiel 36:25-27Ezekiel 36:25-27
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin
(New King James Version)

25 Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them.

Which is not about the commandments. Which are beautiful. This is about connection. This about the ability for your heart to exhibit God’s heart from inside you. Its about walking right (statutes) and about doing things God would do. To look at your friend who seems fine but needs God and to judge them. Not the way humans do it but with righteous judgement. See God sees our sin and judges that He must die for us. See the difference between the way God uses the word and the way we use the word? I want to resemble God. I want to judge the right spirit in a teaching. I want to judge that the dead son of woman about to be sold into slavery for her husbands debt is not right and so I give her her son back and bring him to life. That Mary though caught in adultery deserves a second chance though she deserves to die. When was the last time someone did something so bad to you you deserved to cut them off and everyone around you was saying cut them out of your life and you judged them as needing forgiveness and mercy. You get where I’m going?

My heart doesn’t “RESEMBLE” God’s heart enough. I can’t “MIMIC” God’s ability to look at situations in life practical, spiritual moral and so on and “BEHAVE” like God behaves. I want to BEHAVE like God. Obedience for me is not enough. There must be more…How do I have such pity that my GUT SPASMS…I dont feel pity like that?!!!!! How do I look at people in my life, who dont even deserve my kindness if I looked at with human eyes but instead get PUNCHED in my belly by my own heart’s heart for them?

I’m making an admission. this email is a prayer. That God must do something new.

I’m tired of my sins monopolizing my God time. I’m tired of my struggles taking up most of my prayers. My dreams on hold. My expired wants and desires. My daily living needs outweighing the awesomeness of my Creator. I want God in me to help me see me for who I really am and reveal to me so I can be more like Him. So…

Proverbs 13:12Proverbs 13:12
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

I give God the keys to my vulnerability. I give Him the combination code to insecurities. Here Lord…take my the pin number to my pain and purpose and my priorities. I want to experience that….

Proverbs 20:27Proverbs 20:27
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

The spirit of a man is the lamp of the LORD, Searching all the inner depths of his heart.

Why must God be good to me. Why must He forgive me when I do wrong. Yes I know I love God because He first loved me. I know all the cliches. But I want to be lost then if I take God’s love for granted! I would rather not waste God’s time. Maybe He should show someone else mercy. I know I dont qualify. I know I can repay or return God’s mercy. But I OWE MY GOD. I cant just be. I know this sounds crazy. But I’m just not satisfied with myself being daily covered by grace. I’m not satisfied. I’m not satisfied with writing nice emails. I’m not satisfied with saying nice words. Its like marriage. I’d rather die single then marry and get one morning to find that “I’m used to it”. Yes, i’m still on my own. Yes I’m still single. Yes…I’ve never experienced it. Yes I don’t know what I’m talking about. Well then forget it then. Forget me being like everyone else. That woman must know that for the next coupla decades…even if I dont always tell her. At some point in time. DURING EACH 24 Hour DAY…I need to say to God “Jo!….she chose me?!!! Ur kidding…Lord why did you do this”.

Maybe my kids will usher in the 2nd coming. Whether they are preachers doctors or beggars on the street. From the highest human office to the lowest possible point. There are people who have sacrificed everything for God left everything for God died with nothing for God. Who am I to decide the destiny of my bloodline. Its God who must decide whether or not this world sees the fruit of my loins. My desires as far as I’m concerned are irrelevant. I know what I want..But I dont want that more than I want God’s vision to come true for me and whoever comes from me.

Cliches say familiarity breeds contempt. Maybe I’m too familiar with God and God’s things. Maybe I’ve done wrong. Maybe I need a different spirit a different heart. Maybe some of you think I’m going insane. LOL. Then you’ll have just completely missed the point.

I’m in a space right now, over this fast thing we’re doing that just desires more from God. I’m UNsatisfied. I am DIScontent with the fact that right now my life doesnt look like any Biblical hero. And some spirit in me is saying that the truth of my situation isnt the real truth. That God DOES NOT favour our ancestors more than me/us. That anything they did. Anything. God can do and REDO in us.

Have I really lived?

I’m just hungry. I just have this thing in me. And I’m not even half expressing it right

Romans 5:5Romans 5:5
English: World English Bible - WEB

301 Moved Permanently Moved Permanently The document has moved .

WP-Bible plugin

Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

shalom
me

Leave a Reply